Hitler gives relationship advice?!

You may have asked yourself, “where did women go for relationship advice before Dr Phil and Dear Deirdre came on the scene?” Well ladies and gentleman, the answer to this is none other than the leader of the Nazi Party -Adolf Hitler!

That’s right! Herr Hitler was once a marriage counsellor who dispensed relationship advice to his hoards of female minions.

Unbelievably in September of 1937 Hitler addressed 20,000 women in Nuremburg and advised them on how to secure happiness in married life. He told them that, “whether the two sexes want it or not - and they do want it - they have got to live with one another some how, and that is probably the best thing for married couples to remember.”

Oh that’s great. How insightful of you Fuhrer! We have to live together somehow!? How do you propose we do this then?

"What is needed is cleverness, common-sense and consideration."

So basically:

1. don’t be stupid
2. don’t share a bath with your toaster and 
3. agree to lie in the wet patch from time to time. 

I think I’m sorted now Adolf, thanks! Not to worry though, I’m sure if i don't meet these criteria you'll have me killed anyway.

Do you think Eva Braun was in the next room giving sex tips to the male Nazi minions?!

Celeb Big Wanker

Just a few words on this year's Celeb Big Brother:

Has anyone checked Stephen (not very)Baldwin's bible for contraband? I'm certain he has hollowed it out and smuggled in drugs. It can be the only explanation!

My favourite so far is Vinnie -  he just doesn't seem to give a funk. I loved him in the Midnight Meat train but  i keep expecting him to go mental in the BB House and do this:

Ahhhh, no - he's killing Katia! Vinnie, nooooooo!

Glasgow Drunkenness

From an article i found today in the Scotsman dated 3rd August 1853: 

"There is no drunkenness in the world so beastly and brutal than a Saturday night's drunkenness in Glasgow. 

"...Groups of excited men were fighting here and there; scores were zig-zagging along in a state of tipsy exhilaration and..swinish beatitude." 

Not much has changed in the last 157 years then! Plus, the newspapers are STILL moaning about it!!

Michael Jackson - Or is it?!

It must be Bjorkal Jackson!

Of Unsound Mind

EK Diamond
Department of Psychiatry
Glasgow
14th August, 2009

Dear Cabbage Cat,

Diagnosis: Of Unsound Mind
Treatment: Here, take these pills

Further to your recent appointment, i can confirm that you are as mad as a money on a tricycle. I have referred you to my colleague Dr Caeser Titts for further assessment. We look forward to seeing you in due course.

Yours sincerely


Dr Diamond
Consultant Psychiatrist

Lunch-Time Liberation Army

My name is Cabbage Cat and I am the leader of the Lunchtime Liberation Army – a movement for the abolition of working through lunch breaks. Unions fought for us to have this luxury so be sure not to waste it. Remember, this is the year 2009 and gone are the days of slavery. We do not get paid for working through our lunch breaks and you can bet your bottom dollar no one will thank you for it.

It’s time to say NO! Liberate yourself from the shackles of work for at least 1 hour* per day. Go for a walk, feed the pigeons or just hide in a toilet cubicle so no one can find you. This will leave
you feeling more alert and better able to hide from your managers and/or inept colleagues.


*Disclaimer: In the interests remaining gainfully employed, the Lunch-Time Liberation Army does not recommend taking an hour for lunch if your employer only allows 30 minutes.