Tales from the Unbalanced

Our undercover correspondent
Big Boab MacKenzie reports
straight from a unit for the unbalanced somewhere in Glasgow…

There’s loads ah mental folk in here, man…seriously…fucking mental! It’s no real…see that guy er there? Totally sound guy…couldnae find a nicer guy but see the moment any cunt mentions anything’ aboot religion and aw that…he goes mental, man…like pure…he’s off like a fuckin’ shot! He’s no right…seriously.

And see that peely-wally guy next to him? He ‘hinks he’s naked aw the time even when he’s no, ken? So he disnae ever go outside…and when…see at visiting times? He keeps hiding…I mean he always hides man, in case folks  see him naked an‘ aw that. But see if I ah thought ah wis naked ‘aw the time and there wis nuthin’ a could dae aboot it? Ah’d be pure waving mah knob around at every cunt…every cunt that walked through the fuckin door, man…ah’d be getting it oot! [laughs]

…and see him? See that guy next to him…with the big beard? That’s the Doc. He wiz a doctor before he came in here and wiz proper rich ken? He’s totally mental abooot his chess, but…he sits there aw fuckin’ day just playing chess. See sometimes when he’s playing against wan ah the patients or…sometimes ken, the staff will play way ‘im…but he freaks the fuck oot man and fires the chess board across the fuckin’ room. He pure launches it at some cunt…it’s funny as fuck man…

And see that guy..?!! He’s the fuckin’ polis! That wan wae the long hair there? Aye, he wiz the fuckin polis! He’s pure paranoid but…he ‘hinks he’s being followed by some poor cunts he arrested. He’s aright but…he’s a good guy…obviously…I mean, even thought he’s the polis he’s aright. The only time you have to watch him but is at visitin’ time…he goes pure mental then…like totally freaks ooot and crouches in the corner and bugs oot and then they huve tae restrain him.

So see whenever it’s visitin time? You’ve goat Big Tam there freakin’ oot aboot bein’ naked and yiv goat PC Plod there fuckin…hidin’ under tables and every’thin’! It’s pure mental man!

There’s this other pure mental guy here an’ aw. Where’d he go?! Ah ‘hink he’s in his room… but loadsa folks huve telt him that he looks like that guy George Bush, right? An’ he does right? Like seriously…fuckin’…looks exactly like that cunt. Now he hinks he really is the, ken…fucking President of the United…President of America and aw that!

‘N’ that guy er there…the wan makin’ aw the noise? He’s convinced he’s got a metal hoop stuck in his gut…fuckin’ hell man. The guy’s in agony and they cannae find anything on aw the scans or nothing’.
Ah bet he’s just after pills an’ that but…

And see him? Holy fuck man…that’s Bill. Buffalo Bill coz he pure went mental and kilt his wife and wee boi. For the last fuckin’ 10 years… like seriously every morning for the past 10 years he’s been ooot a here…packs his case and gets ready to go. But see by the time…like he waits until after tea and decides he’s gonna stay fur an’er day and unpacks aw his stuff again. Every fuckin’ day, man! But he pure think’s he’s goin’ hame tah see his wife and kid, but it’s like, ‘ya fuckin’ stabbed ‘em ya bass!’ ken? He disnae ken he did it like, and he just keeps ‘hinking… he’s gonnae get oot ah here!

So, aye that's aw the fuckin' mental cunts in here man! Next week am gonnae be...ah'll be at...well ah dinnae ken till the Big Boss Man tells me, but ah'll be undercover an' aw that anyhow.