Thursday, 28 January 2010
Sunday, 17 January 2010
Tales from the Unbalanced
Our undercover correspondent
Big Boab MacKenzie reports
straight from a unit for the unbalanced somewhere in Glasgow…
There’s loads ah mental folk in here, man…seriously…fucking mental! It’s no real…see that guy er there? Totally sound guy…couldnae find a nicer guy but see the moment any cunt mentions anything’ aboot religion and aw that…he goes mental, man…like pure…he’s off like a fuckin’ shot! He’s no right…seriously.
And see that peely-wally guy next to him? He ‘hinks he’s naked aw the time even when he’s no, ken? So he disnae ever go outside…and when…see at visiting times? He keeps hiding…I mean he always hides man, in case folks see him naked an‘ aw that. But see if I ah thought ah wis naked ‘aw the time and there wis nuthin’ a could dae aboot it? Ah’d be pure waving mah knob around at every cunt…every cunt that walked through the fuckin door, man…ah’d be getting it oot! [laughs]
…and see him? See that guy next to him…with the big beard? That’s the Doc. He wiz a doctor before he came in here and wiz proper rich ken? He’s totally mental abooot his chess, but…he sits there aw fuckin’ day just playing chess. See sometimes when he’s playing against wan ah the patients or…sometimes ken, the staff will play way ‘im…but he freaks the fuck oot man and fires the chess board across the fuckin’ room. He pure launches it at some cunt…it’s funny as fuck man…
And see that guy..?!! He’s the fuckin’ polis! That wan wae the long hair there? Aye, he wiz the fuckin polis! He’s pure paranoid but…he ‘hinks he’s being followed by some poor cunts he arrested. He’s aright but…he’s a good guy…obviously…I mean, even thought he’s the polis he’s aright. The only time you have to watch him but is at visitin’ time…he goes pure mental then…like totally freaks ooot and crouches in the corner and bugs oot and then they huve tae restrain him.
So see whenever it’s visitin time? You’ve goat Big Tam there freakin’ oot aboot bein’ naked and yiv goat PC Plod there fuckin…hidin’ under tables and every’thin’! It’s pure mental man!
There’s this other pure mental guy here an’ aw. Where’d he go?! Ah ‘hink he’s in his room… but loadsa folks huve telt him that he looks like that guy George Bush, right? An’ he does right? Like seriously…fuckin’…looks exactly like that cunt. Now he hinks he really is the, ken…fucking President of the United…President of America and aw that!
‘N’ that guy er there…the wan makin’ aw the noise? He’s convinced he’s got a metal hoop stuck in his gut…fuckin’ hell man. The guy’s in agony and they cannae find anything on aw the scans or nothing’.
Ah bet he’s just after pills an’ that but…
And see him? Holy fuck man…that’s Bill. Buffalo Bill coz he pure went mental and kilt his wife and wee boi. For the last fuckin’ 10 years… like seriously every morning for the past 10 years he’s been ooot a here…packs his case and gets ready to go. But see by the time…like he waits until after tea and decides he’s gonna stay fur an’er day and unpacks aw his stuff again. Every fuckin’ day, man! But he pure think’s he’s goin’ hame tah see his wife and kid, but it’s like, ‘ya fuckin’ stabbed ‘em ya bass!’ ken? He disnae ken he did it like, and he just keeps ‘hinking… he’s gonnae get oot ah here!
So, aye that's aw the fuckin' mental cunts in here man! Next week am gonnae be...ah'll be at...well ah dinnae ken till the Big Boss Man tells me, but ah'll be undercover an' aw that anyhow.
Big Boab MacKenzie reports
straight from a unit for the unbalanced somewhere in Glasgow…
There’s loads ah mental folk in here, man…seriously…fucking mental! It’s no real…see that guy er there? Totally sound guy…couldnae find a nicer guy but see the moment any cunt mentions anything’ aboot religion and aw that…he goes mental, man…like pure…he’s off like a fuckin’ shot! He’s no right…seriously.
And see that peely-wally guy next to him? He ‘hinks he’s naked aw the time even when he’s no, ken? So he disnae ever go outside…and when…see at visiting times? He keeps hiding…I mean he always hides man, in case folks see him naked an‘ aw that. But see if I ah thought ah wis naked ‘aw the time and there wis nuthin’ a could dae aboot it? Ah’d be pure waving mah knob around at every cunt…every cunt that walked through the fuckin door, man…ah’d be getting it oot! [laughs]
…and see him? See that guy next to him…with the big beard? That’s the Doc. He wiz a doctor before he came in here and wiz proper rich ken? He’s totally mental abooot his chess, but…he sits there aw fuckin’ day just playing chess. See sometimes when he’s playing against wan ah the patients or…sometimes ken, the staff will play way ‘im…but he freaks the fuck oot man and fires the chess board across the fuckin’ room. He pure launches it at some cunt…it’s funny as fuck man…
And see that guy..?!! He’s the fuckin’ polis! That wan wae the long hair there? Aye, he wiz the fuckin polis! He’s pure paranoid but…he ‘hinks he’s being followed by some poor cunts he arrested. He’s aright but…he’s a good guy…obviously…I mean, even thought he’s the polis he’s aright. The only time you have to watch him but is at visitin’ time…he goes pure mental then…like totally freaks ooot and crouches in the corner and bugs oot and then they huve tae restrain him.
So see whenever it’s visitin time? You’ve goat Big Tam there freakin’ oot aboot bein’ naked and yiv goat PC Plod there fuckin…hidin’ under tables and every’thin’! It’s pure mental man!
There’s this other pure mental guy here an’ aw. Where’d he go?! Ah ‘hink he’s in his room… but loadsa folks huve telt him that he looks like that guy George Bush, right? An’ he does right? Like seriously…fuckin’…looks exactly like that cunt. Now he hinks he really is the, ken…fucking President of the United…President of America and aw that!
‘N’ that guy er there…the wan makin’ aw the noise? He’s convinced he’s got a metal hoop stuck in his gut…fuckin’ hell man. The guy’s in agony and they cannae find anything on aw the scans or nothing’.
Ah bet he’s just after pills an’ that but…
And see him? Holy fuck man…that’s Bill. Buffalo Bill coz he pure went mental and kilt his wife and wee boi. For the last fuckin’ 10 years… like seriously every morning for the past 10 years he’s been ooot a here…packs his case and gets ready to go. But see by the time…like he waits until after tea and decides he’s gonna stay fur an’er day and unpacks aw his stuff again. Every fuckin’ day, man! But he pure think’s he’s goin’ hame tah see his wife and kid, but it’s like, ‘ya fuckin’ stabbed ‘em ya bass!’ ken? He disnae ken he did it like, and he just keeps ‘hinking… he’s gonnae get oot ah here!
So, aye that's aw the fuckin' mental cunts in here man! Next week am gonnae be...ah'll be at...well ah dinnae ken till the Big Boss Man tells me, but ah'll be undercover an' aw that anyhow.
Friday, 8 January 2010
Hitler gives relationship advice?!
You may have asked yourself, “where did women go for relationship advice before Dr Phil and Dear Deirdre came on the scene?” Well ladies and gentleman, the answer to this is none other than the leader of the Nazi Party -Adolf Hitler!
That’s right! Herr Hitler was once a marriage counsellor who dispensed relationship advice to his hoards of female minions.
Unbelievably in September of 1937 Hitler addressed 20,000 women in Nuremburg and advised them on how to secure happiness in married life. He told them that, “whether the two sexes want it or not - and they do want it - they have got to live with one another some how, and that is probably the best thing for married couples to remember.”
Oh that’s great. How insightful of you Fuhrer! We have to live together somehow!? How do you propose we do this then?
"What is needed is cleverness, common-sense and consideration."
So basically:
Do you think Eva Braun was in the next room giving sex tips to the male Nazi minions?!
That’s right! Herr Hitler was once a marriage counsellor who dispensed relationship advice to his hoards of female minions.
Unbelievably in September of 1937 Hitler addressed 20,000 women in Nuremburg and advised them on how to secure happiness in married life. He told them that, “whether the two sexes want it or not - and they do want it - they have got to live with one another some how, and that is probably the best thing for married couples to remember.”
Oh that’s great. How insightful of you Fuhrer! We have to live together somehow!? How do you propose we do this then?
"What is needed is cleverness, common-sense and consideration."
So basically:
- don’t be stupid
- don’t share a bath with your toaster and
- agree to lie in the wet patch from time to time.
Do you think Eva Braun was in the next room giving sex tips to the male Nazi minions?!
Thursday, 7 January 2010
Celeb Big Wanker
Just a few words on this year's Celeb Big Brother:
Has anyone checked Stephen (not very)Baldwin's bible for contraband? I'm certain he has hollowed it out and smuggled in drugs. It can be the only explanation!
My favourite so far is Vinnie - he just doesn't seem to give a funk. I loved him in the Midnight Meat train but i keep expecting him to go mental in the BB House and do this:
Ahhhh, no - he's killing Katia! Vinnie, nooooooo!
Has anyone checked Stephen (not very)Baldwin's bible for contraband? I'm certain he has hollowed it out and smuggled in drugs. It can be the only explanation!
My favourite so far is Vinnie - he just doesn't seem to give a funk. I loved him in the Midnight Meat train but i keep expecting him to go mental in the BB House and do this:
Ahhhh, no - he's killing Katia! Vinnie, nooooooo!
Glasgow Drunkenness
From an article i found today in the Scotsman dated 3rd August 1853:
"There is no drunkenness in the world so beastly and brutal than a Saturday night's drunkenness in Glasgow.
"...Groups of excited men were fighting here and there; scores were zig-zagging along in a state of tipsy exhilaration and..swinish beatitude."
Not much has changed in the last 157 years then! Plus, the newspapers are STILL moaning about it!!
"There is no drunkenness in the world so beastly and brutal than a Saturday night's drunkenness in Glasgow.
"...Groups of excited men were fighting here and there; scores were zig-zagging along in a state of tipsy exhilaration and..swinish beatitude."
Not much has changed in the last 157 years then! Plus, the newspapers are STILL moaning about it!!
Wednesday, 6 January 2010
Personal Statement
NHS Recruitment
Someplace
Glasgow
Dear Sir / Madam
Re: JOB REF NUMBER 2894949p - MEDICAL SECRETARY
I write with a view to applying for the above post.
I am a disorganised and inefficient medical secretary with experience of working within a fast-paced NHS environment. I am now so institutionalised that i use phrases such as 'fast-paced,' 'patient journey' and 'personal development plan.' With an A in both Higher English and Higher Human Biology i have a poor grasp of the English language and know virtually nothing about the human body. In fact my knowledge of medical terminology extends to the words of, 'Head, Shoulder, Knees and Toes' and on a good day i may even remember that your leg bone is connected to your foot bone.
I manage a Consultant's diary but never know where he is and i regularly minute meetings whilst in a coma. I excel at making necklaces out of paper-clips for my ineffectual colleagues and have been known to push my medical records trolley at speeds of up to 120mph.
In conclusion, i believe that with my inefficiency and lack of skills, i am perfect for working within the NHS. I possess all the necessary characteristics to perform this particular role including Histrionic Personality Disorder and the inability to type or work MS Office.
I look forward to hearing from you shortly.
Kind regards
Cabbage Cat
Someplace
Glasgow
Dear Sir / Madam
Re: JOB REF NUMBER 2894949p - MEDICAL SECRETARY
I write with a view to applying for the above post.
I am a disorganised and inefficient medical secretary with experience of working within a fast-paced NHS environment. I am now so institutionalised that i use phrases such as 'fast-paced,' 'patient journey' and 'personal development plan.' With an A in both Higher English and Higher Human Biology i have a poor grasp of the English language and know virtually nothing about the human body. In fact my knowledge of medical terminology extends to the words of, 'Head, Shoulder, Knees and Toes' and on a good day i may even remember that your leg bone is connected to your foot bone.
I manage a Consultant's diary but never know where he is and i regularly minute meetings whilst in a coma. I excel at making necklaces out of paper-clips for my ineffectual colleagues and have been known to push my medical records trolley at speeds of up to 120mph.
In conclusion, i believe that with my inefficiency and lack of skills, i am perfect for working within the NHS. I possess all the necessary characteristics to perform this particular role including Histrionic Personality Disorder and the inability to type or work MS Office.
I look forward to hearing from you shortly.
Kind regards
Cabbage Cat
The Stresses of Modern Society
On 16th July 1935 Dr Alfred Cox of the British Health Resorts Association addressed the Royal Sanitary Institute Health Congress at Bournemouth. Although he joked at the end of his speech that his, “diatribe will of course be pityingly regarding by many of them as a sign of senility,” I submit that he hit the nail on the head. His description of the stresses of modern life are as relevant (and correct) today as they were 75 years ago. Dude was ahead of his time.
Dr Cox argued that, “we talk a lot about the stresses and strains of modern life, and try hard to convince ourselves that we work harder because we make more fuss about it. But many of these stresses are self-inflicted and I cannot raise any sympathy for the folk who voluntarily continue a noisy and alleged strenuous city day life into an equally noisy and strenuous time to amuse themselves at night.
Many can no longer amuse themselves. They must have a crowd to help them do it - and we are in real danger of so Americanising our lives that homes may become a mere adjunct to the garage with a bed to sleep in during the early hours of the morning.
Fashion is a tyrant which of course must be obeyed but the human body being what it is, we shall have to pay the price of fashion.
The price of always doing something or going out somewhere is a restless neurotic life in which an increasing number of people do not know what they want and will not be happy until they get it.”
Amen!!
Dr Cox argued that, “we talk a lot about the stresses and strains of modern life, and try hard to convince ourselves that we work harder because we make more fuss about it. But many of these stresses are self-inflicted and I cannot raise any sympathy for the folk who voluntarily continue a noisy and alleged strenuous city day life into an equally noisy and strenuous time to amuse themselves at night.
Many can no longer amuse themselves. They must have a crowd to help them do it - and we are in real danger of so Americanising our lives that homes may become a mere adjunct to the garage with a bed to sleep in during the early hours of the morning.
Fashion is a tyrant which of course must be obeyed but the human body being what it is, we shall have to pay the price of fashion.
The price of always doing something or going out somewhere is a restless neurotic life in which an increasing number of people do not know what they want and will not be happy until they get it.”
Amen!!
Yum!
I came across an article in an old newspaper the other day from 1927. It detailed the bizarre culinary delights of a delicatessen in Piccadilly including 9 inch sea slugs for making soup, shark fins and balachaung (rotting fish) for curries.
My favourite thing about the article though was the writer’s utter wonderment at the existence of Popadoms, which he quaintly described as a potato cake eaten with curry. heh!
They even had a sign declaring, “Smoked reindeer tongues imported from Lapland. Provides a new dainty for your delight!”
Heston Blumenthal eat your heart out.!
My favourite thing about the article though was the writer’s utter wonderment at the existence of Popadoms, which he quaintly described as a potato cake eaten with curry. heh!
They even had a sign declaring, “Smoked reindeer tongues imported from Lapland. Provides a new dainty for your delight!”
Heston Blumenthal eat your heart out.!
Macebook
As well as keeping track of friends and family on Facebook, there should be a way of monitoring your enemies and anyone you’ve ever had 'beef' with. I propose that this should be called ‘Macebook’ and there should be a function on it where you can mace your enemies in the face with a funky java-applet type thing. That would be frickin' awsome!
It would also be a good way to keep track of who is off your Christmas card list and who in your life can go fuck themselves.
There is totally a gap in the market for us anti-social types! And yes, I am aware of how passive-aggressive my idea for Macebook is. I have insight into my madness.
It would also be a good way to keep track of who is off your Christmas card list and who in your life can go fuck themselves.
There is totally a gap in the market for us anti-social types! And yes, I am aware of how passive-aggressive my idea for Macebook is. I have insight into my madness.
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