Today I had a rather bleak but sociologically interesting experience at my local Job Centre somewhere in the East End of Glasgow. Gone are the days when jobs were printed on postcards and blue tacked to the walls. Now the place is littered with futuristic looking touch-screen computer pods for all your job searching needs. I witnessed one track suited desperado punctuating each touch of the screen with a good arse-scratch. At one point I thought he was digging for tatties. One of the Serfs, sorry advisors prompted me to make use of one of these pods but I politely declined citing internet access at home. The truth is I wasn’t going anywhere near one of those things without a bottle of bleach and a pair of industrial strength rubber gloves.
The waiting area was filled to the brim with Caledonian Monomaniacs and other such mutants. One mad banshee of a woman was there with her young daughter who seemed only to answer to the name of ‘Wee Shite’.
Ned number 2 was bemoaning his ‘baw breaker’ of a girlfriend who texted him at every opportunity accusing him of cheating on her. Mrs Ned refused to believe that her man was in the Job Centre, preferring instead to believe he was fingering some poor lassie round the back of Asda.
And then there was this big huge guy who failed to grasp the fact that he couldn’t go on the dole while he was a full-time student. “But I don’t have a job,” says he. “You’re a student though, so you’re not eligible for Job Seekers.” “But I don’t have a job…” The conversation continued in this vain until I was eventually called to see my Government Serf, I mean ‘Advisor.’
One of the first things he asked was, “What is your highest level of education?”
“I have a degree in Psychology,” says I.
“Psychology? How do you spell that?”
It was at that very moment that I lost my will to live.
The Advisor then quipped, “oh, you’re not sitting there analysing me, are you?” It was all I could do not to tell him that I was fairly sure it Is impossible to analyse someone who has undergone a full frontal fucking lobotomy! To be fair though he has probably become stupid through osmosis - I’m sure spending all day with mutants can’t be good for you.
Friday, 5 February 2010
Buckfast & The Curse of Red Biddy
Is anyone else starting to feel really sorry for the makers of Buckfast? Every time a Ned goes mental and stabs someone in the head its Buckfast‘s fault. Sure it’s loaded with caffeine and booze but the Buckfast monks only ever meant for us to drink “three small glasses a day” not down three entire bottles in 60 seconds!
Despite this MSPs and other doves from above are hell bent on banning the stuff out-right. According to a BBC investigation Buckfast was mentioned in 5638 crime reports across Strathclyde between 2006 and 2009. Sounds impressive but last year alone Strathclyde Police recorded 179,254 crimes in total. So even if Buckfast was mentioned in 5638 reports last year only (as opposed to the 3-4 years) it would only relate to around 3% of all the crimes. Hardly worth panicking about, is it?
My point is that every few years the Government finds a scape goat for society’s ills. In the 1930’s for example, everyone was up in arms about ‘Red Biddy’ drinking and it‘s effects. Red Biddy (sometimes referred to as Kinky Dew) was a home-made concoction consisting of British red wine and menthylated spirits. You can imagine how that affected people!
In 1930 for example, a young servant girl was arrested for drunkenness and wilful damage after a night of Red Biddy drinking. The court was told that “this cheap but intensely powerful liquor had temporarily turned her into an animal,” and the magistrate implored her to stop drinking this “rubbishy stuff that makes almost a fiend of a woman!”
Such was the public hysteria at the time that the Scottish Secretary of State was forced into launching an inquiry into the matter. Many people even called for British red wine to be banned altogether (sound familiar?)
Should today’s MSP squawk loudly enough Buckfast may well be banned but as Conservative MEP said, “do people honestly think that if Buckfast wine is banned hooligans will start drinking tea?” Will they fuck!
Despite this MSPs and other doves from above are hell bent on banning the stuff out-right. According to a BBC investigation Buckfast was mentioned in 5638 crime reports across Strathclyde between 2006 and 2009. Sounds impressive but last year alone Strathclyde Police recorded 179,254 crimes in total. So even if Buckfast was mentioned in 5638 reports last year only (as opposed to the 3-4 years) it would only relate to around 3% of all the crimes. Hardly worth panicking about, is it?
My point is that every few years the Government finds a scape goat for society’s ills. In the 1930’s for example, everyone was up in arms about ‘Red Biddy’ drinking and it‘s effects. Red Biddy (sometimes referred to as Kinky Dew) was a home-made concoction consisting of British red wine and menthylated spirits. You can imagine how that affected people!
In 1930 for example, a young servant girl was arrested for drunkenness and wilful damage after a night of Red Biddy drinking. The court was told that “this cheap but intensely powerful liquor had temporarily turned her into an animal,” and the magistrate implored her to stop drinking this “rubbishy stuff that makes almost a fiend of a woman!”
Such was the public hysteria at the time that the Scottish Secretary of State was forced into launching an inquiry into the matter. Many people even called for British red wine to be banned altogether (sound familiar?)
Should today’s MSP squawk loudly enough Buckfast may well be banned but as Conservative MEP said, “do people honestly think that if Buckfast wine is banned hooligans will start drinking tea?” Will they fuck!
Thursday, 4 February 2010
Wednesday, 3 February 2010
Caledonian Monomaniacs
You may call them Neds but in 19th century London this particular breed of Scot became known as the Caledonian Monomaniac. They were so badly behaved that in 1843 one journalist even suggested that there should be a “tax on the importation of live Scotchmen into London,” so as to prevent them filling up the police offices and courts with their ‘monomaniacal propensities.’
Sounds like a plan but I for one don’t want to stop Neds from migrating South - the more the merrier! There should even be special Government grants to encourage them to leave Scotland altogether.
In his article entitled ‘The Deranged Scotsman’ the writer went on to argue that, “awful dangers may be expected to accrue should strange Scotsmen be allowed henceforth to go about at large without a certificate of sanity in their pockets!”
And he was right! Not only do these Caledonian Monomaniacs lack sanity but they also tuck their trousers into their socks and deep-fry their babies. Those bastards! Well, maybe not the latter but imagine how great it would be if Neds couldn’t buy a bottle of Bucky without first being declared sane.
Having potentially cured Scotland of it’s social evils I will now be running for President of Glasgow in the 2010 elections. Vote Cabbage!
Sounds like a plan but I for one don’t want to stop Neds from migrating South - the more the merrier! There should even be special Government grants to encourage them to leave Scotland altogether.
In his article entitled ‘The Deranged Scotsman’ the writer went on to argue that, “awful dangers may be expected to accrue should strange Scotsmen be allowed henceforth to go about at large without a certificate of sanity in their pockets!”
And he was right! Not only do these Caledonian Monomaniacs lack sanity but they also tuck their trousers into their socks and deep-fry their babies. Those bastards! Well, maybe not the latter but imagine how great it would be if Neds couldn’t buy a bottle of Bucky without first being declared sane.
Having potentially cured Scotland of it’s social evils I will now be running for President of Glasgow in the 2010 elections. Vote Cabbage!
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